Thoughts...

This was written by a friend who lost her baby only a few days after we lost Hope for her daughter's first birthday. I feel that it expresses a lot of how I feel but haven't been able to explain. I thought this was a great way to follow up my previous post about Hope's Birthday.

On the day you were born; not a sound was heard; not a word was spoken
I held you in my arms and my heart was forever broken
I looked into your beautiful face and begged you to cry, open your eyes, and look at me
It just had to be a lie. There must be some mistake; babies aren't supposed to die
We had so many plans for you,
My little girl you would be, and Daddy's little princess
Oh, the things for you to see;
the lullaby's for you to hear; hugs and kisses to be given
How today and every day, I wish that you were living.
Your life was meant to be; no matter what they say
and though tragically your life was not; in my heart you will always stay.
Our arms can't hold you now, since you have left this world
but you will always be Daddy's princess and my sweet little girl.
So today I sing "Happy birthday" as tears fill my eyes and I weep
Please know my tears are not because of you, but because no matter how much I wanted to
"You" I could not keep.
Sleep well my angel until we meet again.

by Jennifer for Kayleigh on her birthday

One year ago...

One year ago we welcomed Hope Maxine Rollins into our family and we had to say good bye too soon.

We finally got a headstone to mark her grave. We did it in bronze and its beautiful. There are scrolling vines and flowers and even a little ladybug.

We brought her a cupcake and also some balloons with messages and released them into the sky.

We miss Hope everyday and think about her always. Its hard to not feel like a complete family with a piece of us missing but we think about the promise that families can be together forever and wish for forever to be here soon.

New Scam to Watch Out For...

On the news this morning they talked about a new internet scam the FBI is warning about and everyone needs to watch out for. The scammers send you an email that's titled "Really Funny Picture" or something similar and once you open it they can see everything you type. They than can access your email accounts, facebook, etc. because they can get see your username and password that you use. They than start to contact all of your friends and family through your accounts and tell them that you are in trouble, got mugged, lost your wallet, etc. and that you need to wire them money. The scary thing about this scam is that your friends and family really think that it is you because its coming from your email or facebook. Please pass on this information to everyone and just remember never open email from someone you don't know even if the title of the email sounds legitimate.

20 Week Ultrasound

So we are offically halfway there-phew! Today we had our 20 week ultrasound with the Perinatologist at Timpanogos Regional Hospital. I really liked the doctor we met with. He was really easy to talk with and seemed to understand how stressful and anxious this pregnancy is. He said everything on the ultrasound looked great, he spent a lot of time looking at her heart and all her body parts and organs and such and didn't find anything that seemed concerning. We talked about one of my blood tests that had come back positive. Its called MTHFR (is short for some super long word that I can't say-Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase). Anyway, this is a chromosomal mutation that apparently is really common (like 40% of the population has this) and there are varying degrees of severity. One can have one copy or two copies of the mutation and there is an A mutation and a C mutation that those copies can be (this is all my understanding and may be very primitive but hopefully its fairly accurate). I have only one copy of the mutation and its the A mutation. The C mutation is the one that makes doctors more concerned as well as having 2 copies (so that is good I guess that I don't have those). Basically MTHFR can affect the way your body absorbs folic acid and uses it in your blood. It can lead to clotting problems, low birth weight, possible issues with the placenta not function well because of the clotting (which then leads to low birth weight). Anyway, I never showed signs of blood clots and there were none in the placenta or umbilical cord with Hope. She was a normal weight and length for a newborn so all in all they really don't think MTHFR had anything to do with this but of course we don't know what happened so everything is on the table. The treatment for MTHFR is super simple, 4 mg of folic acid + a baby aspirin daily, so the doctor said I could take that if I wanted since it wouldn't hurt but who knows if it really will help either since that may not be a problem at all. I have already been taking extra folic acid since my regular doctor said it wouldn't hurt while we were waiting to find out what the high risk doctor thought. I will go back to see the Perinatologst in 2 months and than I will see them once a month until we have the baby. Just having extra eyes and ears watching (especially when they are a specialist) is really nice and reassuring.

I was getting kind of nervous about this appointment since its always nerve racking to see a new doctor plus my neighbor recently lost her 4th child (this was her 3rd lose, she lost twin girls at birth and has one living son) and she found out about losing this last baby at her 20 week ultrasound. Everyday there is a reminder that I need to be grateful for what I have and for the children that I have (no matter how long it is I get to keep them-at least in this life). Jarod and I use our doppler almost everyday and that is such a precious time to just let the anxiety fall away for a few minutes. I struggle everyday to remind myself to just deal with this moment, this day. When I think about the future I start to panic and the anxiety can get out of control (luckily I feel that I have done much better handling my anxiety than I did earlier this year-which has surprised me).

Jarod is doing great with his landscaping job. His stamina has improved and they have been working on some different jobsites that have been a little easier than the one he started on. Some days they work more than 12 hours to get a job done so sometimes we hardly see each other but we are so glad he has a job for now. He is still continuing to look for a different job that can be more permanent and is more pertinent to his education so we are crossing our fingers.

Children's Books!

I would like to invite everyone to take a look at my new website. I have signed up to be part of Usborne Books & More and have an eShow going on right now. These are really high quality books with a lot of great features. There are a lot of touchy-feely books, puzzle books, sticker books, gorgeous picture books, and books with flaps that open and close. They make great gifts and kids love them. Just follow the link below to the eShow I have going on right now. You can order anytime but right now I have a special eShow going on with the home show I am doing tonight. I have always loved books and I have been really impressed with the books available through Usborne books.


www.ubah.com/HOS149119

Everyone is welcome, so please pass this on to your family and friends that you think would love to buy some great books.

Below I have listed just a few of my favorites so far:



This is one of the really cute touchy-feely books. Each page has a different monster with something to touch and feel. There is a whole series of books called "That's not my..."







This is the story of a little penguin who goes on a quest to discover just how big is a million. Along the way he finds all kinds of groups and numbers and in the end he finds a million stars. There is a huge poster in the back that opens up to reveal a million stars (they acutally made sure there were one million stars on it).

This is such a great book for children. It has flaps that open and reveal all kinds of things going on in the human body-one of my absolute favorites!












This book has a cute mouse that detaches and you use to travel through the book. There are all kinds of holes and slits that the mouse travels through on his journey through the house.











This is just one of their many reference books. They have amazing encyclopedia and reference books that are great for school-aged kids and the many reports they have to do. Also one of the great features is their reference books are internet-linked/referenced which means they have additional information on the topics in the book if the child would like to learn more about something specific. Usborne monitors and updates their internet information and you can be assured your child is on a safe website and not just googling random topics if they need to do a report.


Like I mentioned above I am simply doing this because I love books and I want people to give their children fun books to read. If anyone has any questions please let me know.

It's a...

It's a girl! Jarod and I were able to see our fabulous Uncle Kent today (thanks Kent!) and found out we are having a baby girl. It was a little sketchy at first with Kent guessing a boy and the baby not wanting to spread its legs too much, but after further examination from many angles-girl was the consensus. We are very excited (we were secretly hoping it was a girl)! We have so many sweet baby girl things that would be great to use for one of our children and maybe we will get a little bit of a glimpse of what Hope would have been like through her little sister. Our next doctors appointment is next Wednesday and they said they can give us an ultrasound so we will wait and see if they agree (we won't say anything first just to make double sure). We will keep everyone posted and will get some pictures up next week when I can scan them at work.